Once again, before we delve into it, please enjoy yet another Know It All Joe’s virtual recreation of a real first date from an online dating service.

I love reading online dating profiles. From the lazy one sentence profiles that read “I don’t like talking about myself so write me if you want to know more” to the straight out rude ones that make statements such as “No Fatties Allowed.” It makes me laugh. Human nature is great. Or at the very least, extremely entertaining.

What is an online dating profile? It’s an advertisement for which you need to write your own copy. And you are either going to sell a million of you or you’re going to sell zero and possibly end up in emotional bankruptcy. We all want to avoid the latter.

Though I found there are many well written profiles, there also happen to be a huge number of bad ones that tend to taint the system and turn people off to this whole process. So that’s what I want to focus on today – the profiles that should end up in after-school detention; the ones rife with bad behavior and choke-full of unrealistic expectations.

What is a cliché? According to the Oxford online dictionary it means “A phrase or opinion that is overused and betrays a lack of original thought.” So I’d like to make an introduction now. “Cliché, I’d like you to meet my friend, Online Dating Profile. Online Dating Profile, this is Cliché. The two of you will unfortunately be spending a lot of time together.”

Do these phrases sound familiar? “I love to laugh.” “I am looking for my partner in crime.” “I work hard and play hard.” “I am searching for my soul mate.” “Please know the difference between there, their, and they’re.” The list goes on. You will most likely find at least one of these lines in almost every profile or ones very similar. It’s like a virus that has infected the entirety of the dating site world. I found the worst of these to be the horribly overused “I love to laugh.” Every time I read it, it’s more grating than nails on a chalkboard. Guess what? I love to breath, but I’m not going to put that down in my dating profile. People need to stop filling their profile space full of idiocy. Everyone loves to laugh. You don’t need to write it.

The point I’m trying to make here is that an overuse of clichés can really negatively impact the way a person looks at you from the onset. First impressions are everything. And if you just finished reading your five hundredth profile with any of the above clichés, you may not look at that person as an individual but instead see them as another part of the herd.

Now you may ask “how do I avoid such clichés?” That’s easy – check out your competition. If you’re a man, read other men’s profiles. Same goes for women. See what other people are writing and do something different. Maybe word an overused phrase in a unique way that makes it your own.

Another problem I found in online dating profiles, and just online dating in general, is the expectation levels. Now everyone has particular requirements that they look for in a mate. We like what we like. But some people treat this thing as if it’s a store catalogue for which they flip through looking for the perfect pair of gold glitter high heel shoes or that high definition1080p 3-D television with all the cool specs. And the way they choose to state their preferences isn’t always so subtle. Check out the following section I took from this particular nut jobs profile (who, by the way, is in her thirties)…

Please message me if you are: Sexy, Kinky, Smart, Attractive, Tall, Dominant, Witty, Creative, Confident, Blue or green eyes, Physically Fit, Toned, Adventuresome, Affectionate, Light Hearted, Politically Aware, A Reader, Personally independent/financially secure, A Music Lover, Tech savvy, Ten-ish years +/- my age, A Good Listener, Responsible, Generous, Asks for help, A Romantic Kisser, Great Communicator, Like to Dance, or stand near me, Worldly!

Hell yes, you need to be all of them – and MORE. Above is SOME of what I enjoy in a lover, and I know I want to enjoy them – a lot! I repeat, to fall for you romantically, you must be the most amazing thing since fitted slacks, and look damn good in them.

Nice! This is someone with an overabundant amount of self-esteem mixed with a teaspoon of delusion. This woman would expect you to bring the kitchen sink along on your first date. So you better have good plumbing skills. She doesn’t just come across as high maintenance but clearly a bit unhinged as well. Red flags arise everywhere. Even if you were to meet all of her requirements and you truly were the most amazing thing since fitted slacks, would you really want to date her? (And yes, I realize that some men would go out with a coach roach if it was attractive enough).

Here is a passage from another profile, more gracefully worded and certainly nicer, but says basically the same thing…

If you were to ask me what my ideal man would be for something more intimate, I’d say he is usually strong & can sweep me off my feet both physically and with his charm, chivalry, intelligence, romance, ACTIONS and just great and loving heart. He can bring out the best in me & I in him; we look in the same direction and have shared interests, TOTAL MUTUAL physical attraction and connection; he loves treating me like his queen and knows he is more of a MAN by honoring “us”. He would be a man who knows how to love and be loved…the conqueror, but not the taker; the humble & self-assured gentleman who treats people with kindness yet oozes self-respect, worth and masculinity; a man of integrity, strength and intelligence who is open to being vulnerable…OOH SO SEXY!!! And if on top of that, we just make each other laugh all day long, yet achieve things in the world in a very relaxed, yet purposeful manner, well, I may want to play with you for eh…maybe the rest of our lives?!

And to this woman, I ask… Disney much? Do you have a few too many romance novels next to your bed stand? Maybe watch a tad bit too much of “The Bachelor?”

You see, these men don’t exist in the real world. Hey, shoot high! Why not? I mean go for it. But this sort of stuff just scares men off. No one can live up to these expectations and these women are just going to end up disappointed and deleting their profiles in defeat. You can’t just order someone from a catalogue and expect them to meet all of your requirements. Nor can you place an ad looking for Superman. Life just doesn’t work that way. I’m not saying to compromise. But maybe just stay a bit more grounded.

This whole thing reminds me of a scene from the movie “Weird Science” where these two kids try and build the perfect woman on their computer and make her come to life. That scene perfectly exemplifies what online dating has become. Everybody wants to build their perfect fantasy partner. Okay, it might have worked in the movie, but life is no movie. And I think it’s safe to say to all men – you’re not going to get the 1980’s Kelly LeBrock no matter how many profiles you flip through. But you just might get the 2014 Kelly LeBrock. And if you think that’s a good thing, well, Google it. (snark!)

I would also like to add that although those kids built the perfect fantasy woman, they later came to realize that the fantasy couldn’t match the reality of what they actually wanted. In the end, they ended up dating real girls and let the fantasy go. It says a lot. And it’s a good film.

Now let’s move on to our next fun criticism, or what I like to call – “The Lies That People Tell.” Another passage…

Honest Disclosure: I am 53 years old, but lowered my age here for search purposes as I prefer to relate to younger men. I’ve been told that I look about 47 in real life, but I’ll let you be the judge.

I’d like to tell her “guess what honey, you don’t look 47; you look 53.” Why does everyone online think they look younger than their age? And lying about it isn’t going to help your cause. It just makes you seem more desperate. Embrace your age, don’t hide from it. And if you want to date younger people, then email younger people. Don’t wait for them to come to you.

Aside from age, people love to lie about their height, weight, marital and offspring status, and anything they can think of to make themselves look better.

I’ve had many women ask me “why would men lie about their physical attributes when I will clearly find out when I meet them in person?” And for that I always answer “You see, when that person meets you, they think they can charm you to the point where you will overlook their lies. You’ll see what a wonderful person they are and forgive them instantly.”  Well that’s not going to happen. Nobody likes a liar no matter what the reason. Lying only shows a severe lack of confidence in yourself. Not to mention, starting out a potential relationship with a lie will only doom said relationship. Embrace who you are and where you are in life. Confidence is sexy!

Next, let’s address my favorite criticism of online profiles. It’s utterly disgusting, yet amusing at the same time. Read the passage…

OK, I AM FRUSTRATED….FOR ALL THOSE GUYS THAT KEEP EMAILING ME THAT ARE OVERWEIGHT, PLEASE STOP and think, “REALLY?”
PHEW…got that off my chest!

And that folks is what we call in this business “A Bitch!” And to be fair here, if this was a man writing about a woman, I would have called him an asshole! Okay, this woman doesn’t want to date someone who is overweight. That’s fine. Again, we like what we like. I can’t argue there. But a more evolved and classier person would have found a more sensitive way to state this than to insult an entire group of people.

And it doesn’t just stop at weight. I’ve seen people state all sort of insults in their profiles such as “No Shorties, No baldies, No fatties, No Jews, No Asians, Hispanics or Blacks!” They might as well have added “No Martians!” If you can insult it, they wrote it. I’ve then seen them follow up such insults with the obligatory “Just being honest.” Well, no one asked for your honesty. But thanks for telling the world you’re a racist ass. Instead of weeding people out, all you’re doing is inviting people to write insults back to you and that is not the purpose of a dating site. Nor is it the forum to put yourself on a pedestal and try to make others feel bad.

Okay, so far we have seen profiles with clichés, lies, insults, unrealistic expectations, delusions of grandeur, and just plain abusiveness. What’s going on here? Isn’t this whole process supposed to be fun? So how can we fix this? Well, it’s simple. Just take a couple of those pills on your kitchen table that help fight back the crazy, sit down at your computer and compose yourself a new, people friendly profile. It’s not that difficult.

Because this deserves an entire article on its own, I’m only going to briefly touch upon it here.  Most dating sites break the profile down by category. Such examples are “What you do for a living, entertainment choices, favorite hobbies, etc…” Keep it simple, yet individualize yourself. Don’t just repeat the same things other people say. Move away from the cliché. That might mean actually taking a whole hour to work on this. If you don’t have an hour to work on a profile to find your future wife or husband, then you are clearly not serious about this process. So you shouldn’t waste anyone’s time, including your own.

Anyhow, say something real about yourself. Do a bit of digging. You don’t have to be too revealing, but just say something that sets yourself apart from others. Maybe you’re a closeted sci-fi geek. Well, you’re not going to find someone like-minded if you don’t tell people about it. Also, maybe use a little humor, but not too much. Humor is a very subjective thing and doesn’t always come across in the written word. Add maybe just a smidgen to show your light-hearted side.

Next, post good (and recent) pictures of yourself. All you need is a headshot and a full body shot. Show people what you look like. And don’t try and hide in your pictures. No hat and sunglasses or big bulky coat. Show yourself. The other person is going to find out what you look like eventually and the goal here is to find someone who accepts you for you. And for Pete’s sake, don’t post pictures from ten years ago. You’re only setting yourself up for failure if you post an old picture.

Also, it’s always important to put your best foot forward. And by that I mean that you shouldn’t show any negativity in your profile. Don’t lie. But if you’re in a bit of a slump, or having trouble getting dates, you don’t have to tell everyone about it. The goal is to get to that first date. No one wants to go out with a Debbie Downer.

And finally, and most importantly, don’t insult anyone in your profile. If your preference is to date someone that looks like Brad Pitt, then state that in a way that doesn’t put down all the potential viewers of your profile that don’t look like Brad Pitt. For example, maybe write something like this; “I am looking for a Caucasian man who is on the tallish side, with nice hair, takes good physical care of himself and follows the same faith as I do.” What you don’t write is what I listed above; “No Shorties, No baldies, No fatties, No Jews, No Asians, Hispanics or Blacks!” That makes you sound like you’re in the Ku Klux Klan. Have some decorum. Show that you are an adult with class. Insults are not the way to thin out the herd.

And just to be clear, though it may seem as if I am taking the male perspective here (because I am a male), everything I mentioned here pertains to both sexes equally. One of the biggest complaints I’ve heard from women in relation to dating profiles are when men take shirtless photos of themselves in the bathroom mirror or standing in front of their sports car. So guys, you’re not impressing anyone. Women truly hate when you do this. You look like an idiot. So stop it already. Keep the pics simple. And don’t start your introductory email with “Hey babe” or “Hey Sexy.” You don’t know her. You sound like a moron. Show some respect.

In wrapping this up, what have we learned here today? Well, first off, let’s control our expectations. Remember, we’re looking for compatibility with another human being, not a fantasy from a romance novel. Next, most of us need to work on the profile a bit and make it stand out more (but in a good way). Show that you are an individual and stand apart from the herd. Take pride in your age, height and weight. And if there is something you want to fix about yourself, then do it. But just don’t lie about it. If you do, you’ll only set yourself up for failure. And remember, best foot forward. You want to write an ad that sells.

So — does online dating work? In order to truly answer this question, we are going to have to delve even deeper. There is still so much more to be said on this topic. I would like to touch more upon our expectations, on how to write a really good profile, this mysterious thing everyone calls “chemistry,” how to have a good first phone conversation, what to do and not to do on a first date (or what we call the meet and greet), and just so much more.

The Adventure Continues.