Hello gang,
I thought I’d do something a little different with “The Amazing Spider-man 2” review and turn it over a contributing writer who likes to go by the name of ‘Brain Dead Bob.’ Or if you’re a really good friend, he allows you to just call him ‘Brain Dead’ or ‘BDB’ for short. When I asked him why he chose the pseudonym‘Brain Dead Bob’ all he gave me in return was ‘what’s a pseudonym?’ I felt it was best to stop asking him questions at that point.
By the way, I’m not fixing his spelling. I’m mean, there’s spell check, right? For some reason, he thinks the red underline (which indicates a word is misspelled) means it’s a good word to use. So… yeah.
Here’s his review. And I’m sorry.
Know what I likes about spiders? Nodthing! Nodthing at all! They smarmy. They all gets up in your stuff and thinks they own it all. Just cause they got more legs don’t mean theys better than us. They does that web spinnin’ thing. That aint special. I got a rope. That’s stronger then web. So they ties up flies with that web stuff. But can they tie up people. Nope! Rope can. I know.
So now they make a movie about the spiders. A spiderman. I mean….. what kind of man wants to be a spider. At least if he was a fly, he could avoid traffic and gets places faster. Ya, I know. Spiderman can use the web rope to fling around the city. But what if he lives in the country. He aint getting nowhere. We gots no tall buildings there. But a fly. No problem. He can buzz that ass all over the place. What if I was a spiderman and I wanted to go see some shit in Europe. I aint flinging no webs over water. But as a fly, I’m buzzing that shit. Buzz buzz.
So I saw those Rami Spidermen films. I liked that guy Tobie Micgwire. He seemed like one of those nerds you wouldn’t mind swigging some brews with. Cause then afterwards, he probably smart enough to hook up some free cable for ya. And you know he aint gonna touch your sister cause he’s a virgin and probably scared of girls. But that other guy they got playing him now. You just kinda want to punch him in the face. He’s one of those smarmy guys, like a spider. Oh wait, shit. Now I get it. Now I know why they cast him. Because of that smarmy spider shit. I guess he would make a good spider. That sqeeky voice and obtuse attitude. Acts all 90 degrees and shit. I hate that. But yeah, that was good casting. But I still want to punch him in his face. If I invited him over, he’s probably steel my free cable and sleep with my sister — at the same time. You know the type. What’s that guys name again… I gots to go look it up. I’ll be right back.
I’m back. It’s Andrew Garfield. Research ya all! It’s what us writers do. He used to play a cartoon cat but I guess he gots fired or cancelled. That cat was funny. He did good there. But I still wants to punch him in his face.
Ya know what I really liked about spiderman 2? The hot babe in the film. What’s her name. Oh shit. Hold on. K, I’m back. Sally Fields. Ya, she’s super hot for that smarmy’s mom. I’d do that fur shure. And she aint no nun no more so it make it alright. What she like 30? She gots that crows feet and woobly neck, but I loves that. I think she was married to that Burt Reynolds guy before he died. I liked him. He got it. Knows what I mean? He knew what was up. Smokey and the Bandit. That was a movie. I should be reviewing that instead. Cause the other gals in this movie… Ugggggggly!!!!! Espcially that punch in the face Spiderguys girlfriend. The blonde one who thinks she all smart and all. Like she knows it all. She only knows everything cause she read the script. I bets she don’t even know how to read, less it was in the script. HA! Anyhow, shes ugly. Give me some Sally Fields anyday. No disrespect to her late husband and all.
As to the rest of the movie, I really didn’t understand what was goin’ on. There was this black guy who I’ve seen on tv before. He was all nerdy then he got elictrified. Then he wasn’t black anymore. He was blue. I was like, they can do that? At first he liked spiderman then he didn’t. I liked that part when he didn’t. Then there was this rich kid whose dad died and gave him like a disease. I don’t knows what was going on in that family but in my family we wears protection. Safety first. So that rich kid, he likes spiderman but when Spiderman don’t give him his blood, cause like the rich kid aint no doctor and all, he hates spiderman and don’t like him nomore. I liked the part where he don’t like him. But then I gots confused cause he turns into this troll and flys around on some kind of contraption. I bet if he wanted to get to Europe to do some shit, he could get there on that thing. Webs don’t work on water spiderman. HA! Dumbass. See picture above.
So this happened and that happened and stuff blue up. And I think I fell asleep at some point. And then I woke up and peed. Not my pants. I went outside. Civilized! Then I came back in and stopped and got some candy at the candy stand. I like those little nestle crunch things. 
It’s like they tooked the candy bar and ripped it apart cause it woulnd’t fit in the box and then they made it fit in the box. Science. I don’t get it but it works. Then I missed some of the movie which is okay because I was lost after five minutes anyway. I didn’t see the first one. Unless you mean the Rami one with the nerdy kid. I saw that. I thought this was a sequel to that. It wasn’t. So I felt kindof tricked. So I gots mad at the movie. Do you know theres two spiderman 2’s. That’s crazy talk. They should have named this movie spiderman 2 – 2. At least then the title would have confused me and I wouldn’t have gone seen it.
So in wrap up… Fuck you spiderman you stole my money and gave me nothing back. I feels like I just paid some taxes. I rate this movie ‘four fuck you’s and a butt hole.’ I’d give it my five middle fingers fuck yous but I really does like that Sally Fields gal. She’s hot! They should make another Smokey and the Bandit with her and computer thing her dead husband in. As long as they don’t name it Smokey 2-2, I’d probably not be confused enough to not go see it. I don’t know what I just said.
-This was from Brain Dead Bob